Kul Tiras

• Rule One
  Every comic must reside in the already established four panel template. If it requires five panels to work effectively, it won't happen. I also want to avoid the issue that seems to arise in a large number of comics where the last panel is unnessesary and actually detracts from the punchline in the previous panel.
• Rule Two
  No turtles. Tortoises are allowed, terrapins are not. If I deperately want to tell a joke about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, it will just have to focus on April O'Neil and Splinter.

• Fire
  Incineration will cause death to mice, reducing them to little more than ash. Setting them alight can be as simple as MacGyvering a flamethrower with a lighter and aerosol can. Just be wary - while it's fun to watch the dear little fireballs running around in a panic, they can become a fire hazard if proper care is not taken.
  
• Beheading
  Like most mammals, the mouse has a brain encased within its skull, responsible for controlling the rest of the body's vital organs. Signals pass from the head into the body via the neck, by way of the central nervous system. By severing this link, the mouse can no longer function and dies. Popular tools include knives and miniature guillotines; though a small axe or sword can be equally effective in the right hands.
  
• Staking the Heart
  One of the vital bodily organs of the mouse is its heart, contained within its chest. By staking the heart, massive blood loss will occur and the mouse will cease to be. Pencils are useful in this instance (I recommend a sharpened HB).
  
• Common Misconceptions
  There are some methods that are, due to folklore, mistakenly thought to be effective against mice. While mice are nocturnal and will often hide in dark places, they are not naturally allergic to sunlight and can spend long periods of exposure without any harmful side effects.
  Mice are indifferent to crosses and have been known to happily inhabit churches.
  They are not harmed by contact with holy water either, though they can be killed by holy water if they drown.
  A mouse will reflect in a mirror, or any other reflective surface for that matter.

Armed with this information, the mouse is reduced from mythical terror to mortal beast.

It's that time of year once again when we all start brandishing our cutlasses and dirks, and speaking with the slack tongue of ancient maritime tradition. That's right; it's International Talk Like a Pirate Day, an initiative I wholeheartedly support. Pirates are right up there with robots in terms of coolness, and leaps and bounds ahead in terms of swashbuckling.

Yet, as we look back to a comical stereotype we all take with a grain of salt as historically accurate, we often forget the existence of today's pirate. I'm not referring to software pirates or even the animatronics of amusement parks (though the combination of pirates and robots is a noble cause indeed). Rather, I refer to the true seafaring pirates that sail the seas to this day. This is a tribute to the modern pirate.

For as long as man has traversed water, there have been pirates. The Phoenicians were attacking merchant ships and ports as far back as 2000BC. There are reports or pirate attacks dating back to ancient Greece, where the act was described in Homer's The Iliad and The Odyssey. The term probably developed from ancient Rome where the word peirato was attributed to those who robbed sea vessels and attacked coastal towns. Julius Caesar was kidnapped for ransom by such pirates in 67BC.

We still ferry our goods across vast oceans, and human nature is as unscrupulous as ever, which is why recent claims of dwindling pirate numbers are, frankly, rubbish. There are still reported incidents of piracy from all around the globe, with financial losses in the tens of billions of dollars, an the employment of different tactics and equipment dependant upon where in the world they operate, ranging from kidnapping entire ships and their cargo being operated by organised crime syndicates to the use of knives and simple canoes in the West Africans.

Today the most dangerous place for a humble merchant ship however is the South China Sea. It's a rich bounty for a ruthless buccaneer, an area consisting of island nations and narrow passes such as the Straits of Malacca, heavily reliant upon sea faring transportation which becomes vulnerable as they are forced to slow down in order to navigate the waters. An estimated third of international commercial shipping passes through Southeast Asia, and roughly half of all reported piracy occurs here. In 2004, 70 pirate attacks were reported occurring in Indonesian waters.

There are no longer any Jolly Rogers, cannons or muskets. Instead, most modern pirates arm themselves with assault rifles and a good ol' fashioned rocket launcher. Many victims have their ships sabotaged to sink and their bodies left at sea in an often successful attempt to hide the evidence of their plundering. Small, fast and maneuverable speedboats are often the preferred vessel, and the personal belongings of crew are often the preferred booty.

For better or worse there is no fear of piracy becoming extinct. Those who take an active part in the activities of September 19th, out of a Guybrush Threepwood need to become a pirate, need not travel to 16th century Caribbean islands. Simply find your way to pirate infested waters such as the South China Sea and hand out your résumé to any hostile ships you come across. They'll more than likely kill you and give you body up to Davy Jones' Locker, but isn't the prospect of becoming a genuine pirate of the 21st century worth the risk?